I’m leaving on a jet plane…

One step closer – we are leaving this morning for Las Vegas.  Tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor, then Thursday is the big day followed by a week of recovery in the condo we rented.  With each step comes a new level of anxiety, but I am also excited to get things started.  It seems like a lifetime ago that I made the decision to go down this path, but in reality it was just over two months.

The past couple of days have been hard – I’ve been having those “thoughts” again about “What are you doing?”, “Can you really commit to the lifestyle changes?”, blah, blah, blah.  I know in my gut this is the right thing for me, but I lack confidence in myself that I will be successful because I have failed so many times in the past.

Last weekend we went to a town a used to live in for my son’s basketball tournament.  As we drove around, I realized how a lot of my fond memories of this beautiful town nestled in the mountains revolved around food – restaurants and bars I used to frequent, food shopping, and a zillion places to get a nice calorie boosted coffee drink.  I think they call that an “ah hah moment.”  As I stated in my original blog, I have had an unhealthy love affair with food for far too long.

Saying goodbye to my son this morning when he leaves for school will be a little different.  We all know there are risks involved, so I’m sure I will be emotional.  He will wonder why I have tears in my eyes.  I will miss him terribly while we’re gone, but know that, in the end he will benefit from this as well.  He will have a mom that’s more connected.  He will have a mom that’s more active.  He will have a mom that he is proud of.

I’m ready for takeoff.

Seven sleeps…

The countdown begins.  Next Thursday, one week from today or seven sleeps, I will have weight loss surgery.  I am relatively calm; I haven’t panicked or freaked out recently, however, I reserve the right to do so in the near future!  Knowing that things will drastically change for me in a week is somewhat daunting, but I’m really looking forward to the year ahead.

What will 2014 be like for me?  I can see me, a happier me, enjoying life more, living a healthier lifestyle and being an active participant in my own life.  I can see my relationships with my husband and son change for the better.  I can see myself exercising to get fit, not necessarily because I want to drop X number of pounds by a certain date.  I can see myself with more self-confidence and not someone who tries to hide from everyone.

Living on the pre-op diet hasn’t been easy, but it’s getting better.  I have felt a hunger I have never felt before this past week.  But I am empowered knowing I am accomplishing another step in this journey.  I really haven’t had cravings for a particular food.  There were times where I just wanted something, it didn’t matter what.  Usually I can rid the hunger by drinking some water or drinking some green tea and that will get me through until I can have a shake or my meal.  I am down 8 pounds since I started on the pre-op diet and a total of 17 since I decided to have surgery.

Seven more sleeps until I have the surgery…

I’m so hungry, I could eat my own arm…

I’ve completed Day 5 of my pre-op diet.  This has not been easy.  To recap, I get two protein shakes/smoothies plus a dinner of 4-6 oz of lean meat and a vegetable.  There have been times I was so hungry, that I could have eaten my own arm.   Two of the five days were bad; I needed to take multiple naps throughout the day and I didn’t feel good, I had low energy and the hunger was way out of control.  My stomach sounded like thunder!  There were times today where I wanted to eat and eat a lot of food.  I wanted a cheeseburger and I wanted fries.  I would have been happy with day old pizza.

On the up side, I have lost about 4 pounds during the pre-op diet.  Weight loss isn’t the purpose of the pre-op diet, but it certainly helps make the misery worth while!

What a difference a day makes…

Happy Friday!

I’m on day three of my two-week pre-op diet.  Day 2 (yesterday) was harder than Day 1.  Yesterday was bad – I had no energy, I wanted to sleep, I was cranky and short-tempered, I had difficulty concentrating and I was hungry, really, really hungry.  Man, was I hungry and I was a bitch on top of it.

Today is a completely different story.  I feel really good today.  I have more energy (had a really good workout at the gym – 35 on the elliptical and 25 on the treadmill).  Mentally, I feel sharper and in better spirits.  It’s a completely 180 degree change from yesterday.  My hunger is much better today as well.  I’m not watching the clock awaiting my next feeding!

Halloween was a bit of a challenge – I really wanted some candy.  But instead I had a Peanut Butter Cup smoothie (scoop of chocolate protein powder, splash of sugar free Torani Chocolate syrup, 1/2 T. PB2 powder, 8 oz water and some ice cubes, whizzed up in the blender).  It was good, but in reality, I really wanted a dozen of those bit sized Butterfinger Bars in the candy bowl!

This is going to be hard…really hard

I broke down last night – I really did.  I was watching The Biggest Loser – I never watch that show, but there wasn’t much else on and I thought it would be motivational.  And it was, to a point, and then I got really annoyed.  I don’t know why.  I was really agitated.  My son walked in the room and I wanted to talk to him about a little run-in he and I had earlier in the evening.  Next thing you know, I’m sobbing.  It wasn’t a couple of tears rolling down my face sort of a deal, I was sobbing…shoulders heaving, sobbing.  I unloaded my garbage on him.  I said, “I am down to eating one meal a day and it’s hard, buddy, it’s really hard.”  I couldn’t stop crying.  I just asked him to be considerate of what I’m going through the next few weeks.  If I ask him to do something, just do it and not give me a hard time.  I told him I’m going to try to do better, too.  He walked over to me and told me to stand up.  I did and he gave me a really big hug.  He is a sweetheart…even though 3 short hours prior to that I wanted to strangle him.

I decided to start my two-week pre-op diet a day early.  I was done thinking about it and just wanted to get it started.  It made me feel like I was working towards my goal rather than waiting.  I started out the day with a plan – 3 protein smoothies and one meal with lean meat and veggies.  I planned the time I would have my smoothies – 10:00 am, 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm.  This morning thru mid-day was a challenge.  Harder than I thought it would be.  I felt hunger, got a headache and was fairly cranky. I ended up skipping the last smoothie because the hubs and I went ran some errands – got sidetracked…looked at a car and he got a new iPhone.  I was really hungry when we were at the Verizon store, our last stop.  We came home and made dinner.  Dinner was 5 ounces of grilled chicken and some roasted vegetables.  I feel really satisfied.  More than that, I’m proud.  I’m proud that I planned my day and I stuck to my plan.  I didn’t cave in; I really didn’t even think about cheating (that’s not normal for me on a diet!).

So tomorrow is another day and it’s 14 days until I have my surgery.  I’m going in similar to today.  I’m going to write down my plan and do everything in my power to stick to it.

Good day / Bad day
Things that happened in my day that were good:  Made a plan and stuck to it!  It was a beautiful fall day – the sun was shining and the snow is melting.  I received some much needed encouragement from the hubs during the day.
Things that happened in my day that were bad:  Work was miserable with too many problems.  I didn’t go to the gym.

Attempting a day in the life of my two-week pre-op diet…FAIL

So today I tried to do a dry run on my pre-op diet.  If you’re noticing a theme in some of my posts, there is…I’m really nervous about this pre-op diet.  Two protein smoothies with a total of 8 strawberries and a lean and green dinner ain’t a lot of food.  It has been weighing heavily (pun intended) on my mind the past week or so.  I decided to try to do the pre-op diet today.  I failed at about noontime.

I started out my day as I usually do – 2 cups of decaf coffee with milk and sugar-free vanilla syrup.  By mid-morning, I was a little hungry, so I had my first shake (vanilla with 4 strawberries).  That’s where the good behavior ended!  Around noontime I was really hungry.  I tried drinking water.  I tried drinking green tea.  I tried drinking water.  I tried drinking more water.  Nothing filled me up.  So, I had a salad and some cottage cheese.  That did the trick; I was finally satisfied.  I had another shake this afternoon (chocolate with some Hershey’s unsweetened chocolate powder with a splash of sugar free vanilla flavoring – delish).  I feel like this will hold me over until my dinner tonight.

So, while today wasn’t a complete failure, I’m trying to look at it as do-better.   **sigh**

Good day / Bad day
Things that happened in my day that were good:
I got a lot accomplished at work today (I am trying to catch up, so I can totally leave work for a few days while I have the surgery).
I drank a tank load of water.

Things that happened in my day that were bad:
I snapped at my son this morning – it totally wasn’t him, it was the crap I was dealing with and took it out on him.  I apologized, but I still feel bad all day.
It was cold and snowy today – I was kind of in a funk all day.

My thought for the day

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty…”  
Theodore Roosevelt

Today I’m thankful for:
1.  My husband and son – they are both supportive of me even when I’m being difficult.
2.  This opportunity that is in front of me.
3.  The strength to get thru this short-term discomfort for better things down the road.

A beautiful fall day

It was a beautiful fall day today – the temperature was perfect, nice and brisk.  The sun was shining and it felt like I could see for miles and miles.  We took our dog for a long walk atop the sandstone cliffs that surround town.  It was absolutely beautiful and I was fortunate enough to share it with my best friend and my best fur person.  Look at that color of the sky – absolutely beautiful!

!

Good day / Bad day
Things that happened in my day that were good:  I walked 90 minutes on a beautiful fall day.  I got to spend lots of time with my handsome husband.
Things that happened in my day there were bad:  Seeing my son cry.

Finally caffeine free and prepping for my two-week liquid diet

I am sitting on my deck watching the sun go down on a beautiful fall evening.  Enjoying a nice piping hot cup of coffee.  DECAFF COFFEE!

I didn’t think I could do it.  I am on Day 1 of being completely caffeine free.  I haven’t been off caffeine since about 1990.  After my cold turkey experiment/debacle that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago, I slowly titrated down until I am now only drinking decaffeinated coffee and tea.  I actually felt pretty good today and didn’t really feel a difference in my energy or anything like that.  This is a great accomplishment for me – one of many in the near future, I hope.

Not only have I been focusing on ridding myself of the caffeine withdrawal monster, I’m preparing for my two-week pre-op diet that will start next Thursday…one week from today.  The reasons for the pre-op diet vary from doctor to doctor.  Some doctors tell their patients it’s to get them prepared for post-op life.  This will be similar to how you will live short term after the surgery.  Some doctors will say it’s to shrink the liver to “keep it out of the way” during surgery.  My doctor believes both are true.  The requirements for pre-op diets also vary from doctor to doctor.  Some doctors will put patients on a one-month all liquid diet and others will only require only a few days of liquids prior to surgery.  I’m right in the middle.  My two-week plan consists of two protein smoothies and one “lean and green” dinner.

I contacted the nutritionist at the surgeon’s office to get some clarification on the requirement.  I’m a “parameters” type of a gal – I need to know what the rules are and I’ll follow them.  I asked if I can add fruit to my smoothies and she said, “yes, you can add a couple of blueberries or strawberries or other low glycemic fruits.”  OK – thinking a couple of blueberries couldn’t be what she’s talking about, I asked, “So when you say a couple of blueberries or strawberries, are you talking like a ¼ cup?”  I loved her response, “Probably not a quarter cup.  Less than that.”  So I went to the kitchen and measured out a ¼ cup of strawberries and it was 4 – 4 small strawberries and the measuring cup was overflowing.  So when she said a couple, she truly meant a couple.  **sigh**  And the lean and green meal is basically 4-6 oz of lean meat and some low glycemic vegetables (peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, etc.).

I have to admit, I’m a little concerned about the pre-op diet.  It’s going to be difficult to live like this for 2 weeks (14 days; 336 hours; 20,160 minutes).  I’m trying to be positive and look at it as an opportunity – another hill to successfully climb; just one in many I hope to have.  I’ve been replacing one meal with a shake every day to try to get in a groove before next week.  I should consider myself lucky some patients are on full liquids for the duration of their pre-op diet and a longer timeframe.  As with most things, remember:  Someone out there will always have it worse than you, so quit feeling sorry for yourself.

I’m still saying goodbye to some foods – last night was popcorn.  Weird.  I haven’t had popcorn in many, many months (maybe even closer to a year).  I just wanted it for some reason.  So, before dinner last night I had a bowl.  It tasted so good.  I was just about to go back for more when I called down to my son and asked him if he wanted the rest.  Luckily, he did.  I probably would have finished the bag if given the opportunity.

I’ve had a fairly positive attitude the past few days.  I am looking forward to getting things moving.  I think the waiting is the hardest part.  I wonder if having less time between the decision to have the surgery and actual surgery would have been easier.  At any rate, I haven’t had any of those defeatist feelings I had last week – it’s all positive and all looking forward.

What am I afraid of?

I continue to have those moments of thinking “What the hell are you doing?”  This is such a drastic step and I have feelings of “what if”…What if I fail?  What if I gain the weight back?  What if something goes wrong with the surgery?  What if I don’t lose as much weight as I want to?  What if I go back to old behaviors?  What if I can’t stop eating carbs or desserts if I eat them again?

This has been such an emotional week for me.  I just keep waffling back and forth between “the day is never going to get there” to “what the hell am I doing?”  This is so scary to me.  Eating can be such a slippery slope.  Let me clarify – bad eating can be such a slippery slope.  I know myself – I cannot be trusted around a carb.  I just can’t.  I’m yet again, all up inside my head.

So I sat down today and listed out the Pros and Cons of this surgery.  I knew what they were in my head, but I thought seeing them down on paper would help.  One thing I realized was that if I don’t think I can change my eating habits now with the surgery, I will, most likely have to change them with the inevitable diabetes diagnosis.  Also, I really don’t like my life right now.  I’m embarrassed by what I’ve become.  I am not active like I want to be.  So is that worth the tradeoff of not being able to eat copious amounts of food?  Needless to say the Pros outweighed the Cons – by a lot.

Shortly after that I sat down with my husband and said, “I just need you to listen.  I’m not asking you to fix anything or have any answers, just listen.”  I explained how I was feeling and my fears/insecurities.  He was honest with me.  He stated he’s worried about me failing, too.  He’s worried about what might happen if I eat a dessert.  Will that lead to two desserts and will that lead to desserts every night.  He’s worried about me eating around the sleeve and grazing that could lead to weight gain.  “But,” he said, “If you don’t do something it will never be fixed.”

So after that, I went back in my office and the hubs says, “Are you going to the gym this morning?”  My response was, “No, I’m going for a walk later.”  What the hell???  Didn’t we just have this conversation?!?!  So, I said, “Wait, I’m going with you.”  I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I worked up a sweat and felt really good afterwards.  My head was clear.  I’m back on track and committed.

Wholly $hit, this is going to be a long road!