One step closer – we are leaving this morning for Las Vegas. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor, then Thursday is the big day followed by a week of recovery in the condo we rented. With each step comes a new level of anxiety, but I am also excited to get things started. It seems like a lifetime ago that I made the decision to go down this path, but in reality it was just over two months.
The past couple of days have been hard – I’ve been having those “thoughts” again about “What are you doing?”, “Can you really commit to the lifestyle changes?”, blah, blah, blah. I know in my gut this is the right thing for me, but I lack confidence in myself that I will be successful because I have failed so many times in the past.
Last weekend we went to a town a used to live in for my son’s basketball tournament. As we drove around, I realized how a lot of my fond memories of this beautiful town nestled in the mountains revolved around food – restaurants and bars I used to frequent, food shopping, and a zillion places to get a nice calorie boosted coffee drink. I think they call that an “ah hah moment.” As I stated in my original blog, I have had an unhealthy love affair with food for far too long.
Saying goodbye to my son this morning when he leaves for school will be a little different. We all know there are risks involved, so I’m sure I will be emotional. He will wonder why I have tears in my eyes. I will miss him terribly while we’re gone, but know that, in the end he will benefit from this as well. He will have a mom that’s more connected. He will have a mom that’s more active. He will have a mom that he is proud of.
The countdown begins. Next Thursday, one week from today or seven sleeps, I will have weight loss surgery. I am relatively calm; I haven’t panicked or freaked out recently, however, I reserve the right to do so in the near future! Knowing that things will drastically change for me in a week is somewhat daunting, but I’m really looking forward to the year ahead.
What will 2014 be like for me? I can see me, a happier me, enjoying life more, living a healthier lifestyle and being an active participant in my own life. I can see my relationships with my husband and son change for the better. I can see myself exercising to get fit, not necessarily because I want to drop X number of pounds by a certain date. I can see myself with more self-confidence and not someone who tries to hide from everyone.
Living on the pre-op diet hasn’t been easy, but it’s getting better. I have felt a hunger I have never felt before this past week. But I am empowered knowing I am accomplishing another step in this journey. I really haven’t had cravings for a particular food. There were times where I just wanted something, it didn’t matter what. Usually I can rid the hunger by drinking some water or drinking some green tea and that will get me through until I can have a shake or my meal. I am down 8 pounds since I started on the pre-op diet and a total of 17 since I decided to have surgery.
I’ve completed Day 5 of my pre-op diet. This has not been easy. To recap, I get two protein shakes/smoothies plus a dinner of 4-6 oz of lean meat and a vegetable. There have been times I was so hungry, that I could have eaten my own arm. Two of the five days were bad; I needed to take multiple naps throughout the day and I didn’t feel good, I had low energy and the hunger was way out of control. My stomach sounded like thunder! There were times today where I wanted to eat and eat a lot of food. I wanted a cheeseburger and I wanted fries. I would have been happy with day old pizza.
On the up side, I have lost about 4 pounds during the pre-op diet. Weight loss isn’t the purpose of the pre-op diet, but it certainly helps make the misery worth while!
I’m on day three of my two-week pre-op diet. Day 2 (yesterday) was harder than Day 1. Yesterday was bad – I had no energy, I wanted to sleep, I was cranky and short-tempered, I had difficulty concentrating and I was hungry, really, really hungry. Man, was I hungry and I was a bitch on top of it.
Today is a completely different story. I feel really good today. I have more energy (had a really good workout at the gym – 35 on the elliptical and 25 on the treadmill). Mentally, I feel sharper and in better spirits. It’s a completely 180 degree change from yesterday. My hunger is much better today as well. I’m not watching the clock awaiting my next feeding!
Halloween was a bit of a challenge – I really wanted some candy. But instead I had a Peanut Butter Cup smoothie (scoop of chocolate protein powder, splash of sugar free Torani Chocolate syrup, 1/2 T. PB2 powder, 8 oz water and some ice cubes, whizzed up in the blender). It was good, but in reality, I really wanted a dozen of those bit sized Butterfinger Bars in the candy bowl!
I broke down last night – I really did. I was watching The Biggest Loser – I never watch that show, but there wasn’t much else on and I thought it would be motivational. And it was, to a point, and then I got really annoyed. I don’t know why. I was really agitated. My son walked in the room and I wanted to talk to him about a little run-in he and I had earlier in the evening. Next thing you know, I’m sobbing. It wasn’t a couple of tears rolling down my face sort of a deal, I was sobbing…shoulders heaving, sobbing. I unloaded my garbage on him. I said, “I am down to eating one meal a day and it’s hard, buddy, it’s really hard.” I couldn’t stop crying. I just asked him to be considerate of what I’m going through the next few weeks. If I ask him to do something, just do it and not give me a hard time. I told him I’m going to try to do better, too. He walked over to me and told me to stand up. I did and he gave me a really big hug. He is a sweetheart…even though 3 short hours prior to that I wanted to strangle him.
I decided to start my two-week pre-op diet a day early. I was done thinking about it and just wanted to get it started. It made me feel like I was working towards my goal rather than waiting. I started out the day with a plan – 3 protein smoothies and one meal with lean meat and veggies. I planned the time I would have my smoothies – 10:00 am, 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm. This morning thru mid-day was a challenge. Harder than I thought it would be. I felt hunger, got a headache and was fairly cranky. I ended up skipping the last smoothie because the hubs and I went ran some errands – got sidetracked…looked at a car and he got a new iPhone. I was really hungry when we were at the Verizon store, our last stop. We came home and made dinner. Dinner was 5 ounces of grilled chicken and some roasted vegetables. I feel really satisfied. More than that, I’m proud. I’m proud that I planned my day and I stuck to my plan. I didn’t cave in; I really didn’t even think about cheating (that’s not normal for me on a diet!).
So tomorrow is another day and it’s 14 days until I have my surgery. I’m going in similar to today. I’m going to write down my plan and do everything in my power to stick to it.
Good day / Bad day
Things that happened in my day that were good: Made a plan and stuck to it! It was a beautiful fall day – the sun was shining and the snow is melting. I received some much needed encouragement from the hubs during the day.
Things that happened in my day that were bad: Work was miserable with too many problems. I didn’t go to the gym.
So today I tried to do a dry run on my pre-op diet. If you’re noticing a theme in some of my posts, there is…I’m really nervous about this pre-op diet. Two protein smoothies with a total of 8 strawberries and a lean and green dinner ain’t a lot of food. It has been weighing heavily (pun intended) on my mind the past week or so. I decided to try to do the pre-op diet today. I failed at about noontime.
I started out my day as I usually do – 2 cups of decaf coffee with milk and sugar-free vanilla syrup. By mid-morning, I was a little hungry, so I had my first shake (vanilla with 4 strawberries). That’s where the good behavior ended! Around noontime I was really hungry. I tried drinking water. I tried drinking green tea. I tried drinking water. I tried drinking more water. Nothing filled me up. So, I had a salad and some cottage cheese. That did the trick; I was finally satisfied. I had another shake this afternoon (chocolate with some Hershey’s unsweetened chocolate powder with a splash of sugar free vanilla flavoring – delish). I feel like this will hold me over until my dinner tonight.
So, while today wasn’t a complete failure, I’m trying to look at it as do-better. **sigh**
Good day / Bad day Things that happened in my day that were good:
I got a lot accomplished at work today (I am trying to catch up, so I can totally leave work for a few days while I have the surgery).
I drank a tank load of water.
Things that happened in my day that were bad:
I snapped at my son this morning – it totally wasn’t him, it was the crap I was dealing with and took it out on him. I apologized, but I still feel bad all day.
It was cold and snowy today – I was kind of in a funk all day.
“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty…”
Today I’m thankful for:
1. My husband and son – they are both supportive of me even when I’m being difficult.
2. This opportunity that is in front of me.
3. The strength to get thru this short-term discomfort for better things down the road.