I’m leaving on a jet plane…

One step closer – we are leaving this morning for Las Vegas.  Tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor, then Thursday is the big day followed by a week of recovery in the condo we rented.  With each step comes a new level of anxiety, but I am also excited to get things started.  It seems like a lifetime ago that I made the decision to go down this path, but in reality it was just over two months.

The past couple of days have been hard – I’ve been having those “thoughts” again about “What are you doing?”, “Can you really commit to the lifestyle changes?”, blah, blah, blah.  I know in my gut this is the right thing for me, but I lack confidence in myself that I will be successful because I have failed so many times in the past.

Last weekend we went to a town a used to live in for my son’s basketball tournament.  As we drove around, I realized how a lot of my fond memories of this beautiful town nestled in the mountains revolved around food – restaurants and bars I used to frequent, food shopping, and a zillion places to get a nice calorie boosted coffee drink.  I think they call that an “ah hah moment.”  As I stated in my original blog, I have had an unhealthy love affair with food for far too long.

Saying goodbye to my son this morning when he leaves for school will be a little different.  We all know there are risks involved, so I’m sure I will be emotional.  He will wonder why I have tears in my eyes.  I will miss him terribly while we’re gone, but know that, in the end he will benefit from this as well.  He will have a mom that’s more connected.  He will have a mom that’s more active.  He will have a mom that he is proud of.

I’m ready for takeoff.

Seven sleeps…

The countdown begins.  Next Thursday, one week from today or seven sleeps, I will have weight loss surgery.  I am relatively calm; I haven’t panicked or freaked out recently, however, I reserve the right to do so in the near future!  Knowing that things will drastically change for me in a week is somewhat daunting, but I’m really looking forward to the year ahead.

What will 2014 be like for me?  I can see me, a happier me, enjoying life more, living a healthier lifestyle and being an active participant in my own life.  I can see my relationships with my husband and son change for the better.  I can see myself exercising to get fit, not necessarily because I want to drop X number of pounds by a certain date.  I can see myself with more self-confidence and not someone who tries to hide from everyone.

Living on the pre-op diet hasn’t been easy, but it’s getting better.  I have felt a hunger I have never felt before this past week.  But I am empowered knowing I am accomplishing another step in this journey.  I really haven’t had cravings for a particular food.  There were times where I just wanted something, it didn’t matter what.  Usually I can rid the hunger by drinking some water or drinking some green tea and that will get me through until I can have a shake or my meal.  I am down 8 pounds since I started on the pre-op diet and a total of 17 since I decided to have surgery.

Seven more sleeps until I have the surgery…

I’m so hungry, I could eat my own arm…

I’ve completed Day 5 of my pre-op diet.  This has not been easy.  To recap, I get two protein shakes/smoothies plus a dinner of 4-6 oz of lean meat and a vegetable.  There have been times I was so hungry, that I could have eaten my own arm.   Two of the five days were bad; I needed to take multiple naps throughout the day and I didn’t feel good, I had low energy and the hunger was way out of control.  My stomach sounded like thunder!  There were times today where I wanted to eat and eat a lot of food.  I wanted a cheeseburger and I wanted fries.  I would have been happy with day old pizza.

On the up side, I have lost about 4 pounds during the pre-op diet.  Weight loss isn’t the purpose of the pre-op diet, but it certainly helps make the misery worth while!

What a difference a day makes…

Happy Friday!

I’m on day three of my two-week pre-op diet.  Day 2 (yesterday) was harder than Day 1.  Yesterday was bad – I had no energy, I wanted to sleep, I was cranky and short-tempered, I had difficulty concentrating and I was hungry, really, really hungry.  Man, was I hungry and I was a bitch on top of it.

Today is a completely different story.  I feel really good today.  I have more energy (had a really good workout at the gym – 35 on the elliptical and 25 on the treadmill).  Mentally, I feel sharper and in better spirits.  It’s a completely 180 degree change from yesterday.  My hunger is much better today as well.  I’m not watching the clock awaiting my next feeding!

Halloween was a bit of a challenge – I really wanted some candy.  But instead I had a Peanut Butter Cup smoothie (scoop of chocolate protein powder, splash of sugar free Torani Chocolate syrup, 1/2 T. PB2 powder, 8 oz water and some ice cubes, whizzed up in the blender).  It was good, but in reality, I really wanted a dozen of those bit sized Butterfinger Bars in the candy bowl!

This is going to be hard…really hard

I broke down last night – I really did.  I was watching The Biggest Loser – I never watch that show, but there wasn’t much else on and I thought it would be motivational.  And it was, to a point, and then I got really annoyed.  I don’t know why.  I was really agitated.  My son walked in the room and I wanted to talk to him about a little run-in he and I had earlier in the evening.  Next thing you know, I’m sobbing.  It wasn’t a couple of tears rolling down my face sort of a deal, I was sobbing…shoulders heaving, sobbing.  I unloaded my garbage on him.  I said, “I am down to eating one meal a day and it’s hard, buddy, it’s really hard.”  I couldn’t stop crying.  I just asked him to be considerate of what I’m going through the next few weeks.  If I ask him to do something, just do it and not give me a hard time.  I told him I’m going to try to do better, too.  He walked over to me and told me to stand up.  I did and he gave me a really big hug.  He is a sweetheart…even though 3 short hours prior to that I wanted to strangle him.

I decided to start my two-week pre-op diet a day early.  I was done thinking about it and just wanted to get it started.  It made me feel like I was working towards my goal rather than waiting.  I started out the day with a plan – 3 protein smoothies and one meal with lean meat and veggies.  I planned the time I would have my smoothies – 10:00 am, 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm.  This morning thru mid-day was a challenge.  Harder than I thought it would be.  I felt hunger, got a headache and was fairly cranky. I ended up skipping the last smoothie because the hubs and I went ran some errands – got sidetracked…looked at a car and he got a new iPhone.  I was really hungry when we were at the Verizon store, our last stop.  We came home and made dinner.  Dinner was 5 ounces of grilled chicken and some roasted vegetables.  I feel really satisfied.  More than that, I’m proud.  I’m proud that I planned my day and I stuck to my plan.  I didn’t cave in; I really didn’t even think about cheating (that’s not normal for me on a diet!).

So tomorrow is another day and it’s 14 days until I have my surgery.  I’m going in similar to today.  I’m going to write down my plan and do everything in my power to stick to it.

Good day / Bad day
Things that happened in my day that were good:  Made a plan and stuck to it!  It was a beautiful fall day – the sun was shining and the snow is melting.  I received some much needed encouragement from the hubs during the day.
Things that happened in my day that were bad:  Work was miserable with too many problems.  I didn’t go to the gym.

Attempting a day in the life of my two-week pre-op diet…FAIL

fall-off-the-wagon

So today I tried to do a dry run on my pre-op diet.  If you’re noticing a theme in some of my posts, there is…I’m really nervous about this pre-op diet.  Two protein smoothies with a total of 8 strawberries and a lean and green dinner ain’t a lot of food.  It has been weighing heavily (pun intended) on my mind the past week or so.  I decided to try to do the pre-op diet today.  I failed at about noontime.

I started out my day as I usually do – 2 cups of decaf coffee with milk and sugar-free vanilla syrup.  By mid-morning, I was a little hungry, so I had my first shake (vanilla with 4 strawberries).  That’s where the good behavior ended!  Around noontime I was really hungry.  I tried drinking water.  I tried drinking green tea.  I tried drinking water.  I tried drinking more water.  Nothing filled me up.  So, I had a salad and some cottage cheese.  That did the trick; I was finally satisfied.  I had another shake this afternoon (chocolate with some Hershey’s unsweetened chocolate powder with a splash of sugar free vanilla flavoring – delish).  I feel like this will hold me over until my dinner tonight.

So, while today wasn’t a complete failure, I’m trying to look at it as do-better.   **sigh**

Good day / Bad day
Things that happened in my day that were good:
I got a lot accomplished at work today (I am trying to catch up, so I can totally leave work for a few days while I have the surgery).
I drank a tank load of water.

Things that happened in my day that were bad:
I snapped at my son this morning – it totally wasn’t him, it was the crap I was dealing with and took it out on him.  I apologized, but I still feel bad all day.
It was cold and snowy today – I was kind of in a funk all day.

My thought for the day

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty…”  
Theodore Roosevelt

Today I’m thankful for:
1.  My husband and son – they are both supportive of me even when I’m being difficult.
2.  This opportunity that is in front of me.
3.  The strength to get thru this short-term discomfort for better things down the road.