What am I afraid of?

I continue to have those moments of thinking “What the hell are you doing?”  This is such a drastic step and I have feelings of “what if”…What if I fail?  What if I gain the weight back?  What if something goes wrong with the surgery?  What if I don’t lose as much weight as I want to?  What if I go back to old behaviors?  What if I can’t stop eating carbs or desserts if I eat them again?

This has been such an emotional week for me.  I just keep waffling back and forth between “the day is never going to get there” to “what the hell am I doing?”  This is so scary to me.  Eating can be such a slippery slope.  Let me clarify – bad eating can be such a slippery slope.  I know myself – I cannot be trusted around a carb.  I just can’t.  I’m yet again, all up inside my head.

So I sat down today and listed out the Pros and Cons of this surgery.  I knew what they were in my head, but I thought seeing them down on paper would help.  One thing I realized was that if I don’t think I can change my eating habits now with the surgery, I will, most likely have to change them with the inevitable diabetes diagnosis.  Also, I really don’t like my life right now.  I’m embarrassed by what I’ve become.  I am not active like I want to be.  So is that worth the tradeoff of not being able to eat copious amounts of food?  Needless to say the Pros outweighed the Cons – by a lot.

Shortly after that I sat down with my husband and said, “I just need you to listen.  I’m not asking you to fix anything or have any answers, just listen.”  I explained how I was feeling and my fears/insecurities.  He was honest with me.  He stated he’s worried about me failing, too.  He’s worried about what might happen if I eat a dessert.  Will that lead to two desserts and will that lead to desserts every night.  He’s worried about me eating around the sleeve and grazing that could lead to weight gain.  “But,” he said, “If you don’t do something it will never be fixed.”

So after that, I went back in my office and the hubs says, “Are you going to the gym this morning?”  My response was, “No, I’m going for a walk later.”  What the hell???  Didn’t we just have this conversation?!?!  So, I said, “Wait, I’m going with you.”  I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I worked up a sweat and felt really good afterwards.  My head was clear.  I’m back on track and committed.

Wholly $hit, this is going to be a long road!